Who I Was and Who I Am
by Vampyre-Rose
Summary: When Edward left Bella was desperate to find any evidence that the affections she felt between them werent fake, so desperate she missed what was right in front of her.
1. Chapter 1

Jacob was coming closer, and closer still to that kiss we had been moving towards for months but had never come to be.

But here it was. And I had no fucking idea what I was going to do about it.

_Riiiiiiiing. Riiiiiiiiiiiing. _The shrill tone of the phone made me jump, and as Jacob grabbed the phone I gritted my teeth. "Swan residence," his husky voice said into the receiver, I yanked the phone out of his hand, surprising both of us. "Dammit Jacob Black, this is my home."

He raised his eyebrows, smirking at me, his other hand still resting on my chin from when he was about to kiss me. "Bella here," I mumbled into the phone, still somewhat befuddled.

"Bella? Bella, love, is that you?" His voice, though once smooth as velvet, now resembled grease to me.

All at once, I realized something. I had just thrown myself off a god damn cliff for this dude, and all he has to say on the phone is "Bella is that you"? For gods sake he should be begging me to be back in my life, begging that I don't hang up the phone that very moment!

"Bella are you there? Is that really you?"

I realized now, that the person I had been with Edward was no longer present. That person wasn't who I was meant to be, the overly cautious, cushioned, over protected little girl. Edward was more of a father to me than a lover, a boyfriend, a soul mate, whatever you want to call what I had once thought of him as.

I sighed, and gritted my teeth. "Yes, Edward, it is _really_ me. What do you want?"

Jacob's expression turned to shock as the tone at which I spoke wasn't he one he was expecting.

"Love I-" I cut him off, sighing, "Edward, I am not your love anymore."

"Bella, you misunderstand. I left you to protect you."

I snorted, "If that were true then why did I just almost die?"

"What! Bella you promised-"

I pulled away from Jacob and leaned against the wall, my back to him.

I sighed and cut him off, "Edward. I cant keep doing this to myself. _You _left _me_, I was a shell, and you left me a different person. A person I am not meant to be, so please, I'm finally moving on…Do the same. Don't make me feel guilty for what _you_ have done."

"Bella…"

"Don't hurt me anymore Edward."

"If that is what you wish…"

"It is."

"Goodbye, my Bella, I will love you always."

I breathed out and hung up the phone, "I am _not_ your Bella." I muttered with disgust towards the wall, and slowly leaned my forehead into it.

"Then who's Bella are you?" I spun around, and Jacob moved closer to me. "Hmm? Are you my Bella? Charlie's?"

I shook my head

"I am my own Bella."

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**Alrighty so I know I should probably finish "Shifting Sands" but to be honest, everything I was planning now seems totally ridiculous. So give me some time on that. **

**I wanted to write a change to New Moon for too dang long, and so now I've tried! **

**Let me know what you think :) **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

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Jacob's lips once again grew near; my cheeks flushed as his hand slid up the back of my neck. "But I'd like for you to be my Bella…" he murmured against my lips, and I closed my eyes anticipating the kiss that would not come, because seconds later his hot hand left its place on my neck and he snarled.

I opened my eyes, startled and somewhat frightened only to see Alice, once again standing in my kitchen.

Though attempting to be civil, her expression betrayed her true emotions of shock, disappointment, and even to some amount, anger. "Bella. How could you?" I sighed, "He made his choice, Alice, I reacted, and this is mine."

I slid a hand over the now vibrating Jacob's shoulder. "Jake, calm down, she means no harm."

He was still shaking.

I walked around to stand in front of him, placing a hand on each cheek, "Jake. Please Jake, calm down." He finally zoned back, his deep eyes on mine. "Bella." He said once, "Bella." He looked down and wrapped his arms around my waist, crushing me into his chest.

"Bella." He sighed, and finally relaxed. His shoulders let go of their rigid pose.

He sneered over his shoulder "I think its time for you to leave bloodsucker."

Alice sighed, "I'll see you around Bella." I nodded, "Bye Alice."

She was gone as suddenly as she came, it was just me and my were-wolf best friend…or whatever he was now. But as he drew near to me, my heart began to flutter, and I felt the beginnings of a panic attack as I couldn't seem to suck in enough air fast enough.

"I-I cant Jake, not now, just.." I gasped trying to breath "Time, give me a bit of time." The enormity of what had just happened suddenly crashed down on me and I found myself suddenly forcing myself through the front door, running as fast as my legs would take me down the road.

I knew Jake could've easily caught me, but he respected the space I needed and wanted, and stayed away.

I finally stopped, somewhere near the diner my dad was so fond of "The Lodge" and sat on a bus bench.

I wasn't left to my solitude long, soon an older woman bustled over. She mumbled something along the lines of "those damned cats" and pulled a large ball of yarn out of her purse.

What I had originally thought was a polka dot pattern on her dress, I now realized, were bats. I smiled to myself and looked from her batty dress, to her long silvery hair which hung around her head neatly tucked into a bun, and found myself thinking

_She's cool. When I get old I definitely want to wear a dress like that. _Then I laughed inwardly at the randomness of my own thoughts.

"Penny for your thoughts kid?" she said without looking up as she began to crochet something.

"Hey, my thoughts are worth a lot more than a penny." I replied with a smirk

She looked up at me for the first time, "I'm sure they are, you seem like an intelligent girl, so why are you letting the man befuddle you so?"

I blinked.

"I'm not sure what you mean."

She smiled, and turned her head down once more to stare at her crocheting hook. "It's the middle of the night, there are tear streaks down your face, you're a pretty girl and you're out of breath." She looked around her "This is not a residential area."

I took a moment to study my surroundings and realized that I was more close to "downtown" Forks than I thought, though it was somewhat bigger than I remembered. I spent most of my time at school and La Push so that would make sense…

I zoned back in, realizing it was rude to ignore the woman. "…really girls these days seem to sell themselves short and I don't understand why…" she trailed off looking at me.

"Don't sell yourself short honey, just don't." Her comforting smile made me slightly uncomfortable and yet wormed its way into my cold heart, warming me a bit.

I sighed, "You want to hear my thoughts?" she placed her hand on top of mine and I felt something slide onto my palm, looking down, I saw a penny shining on the dirty surface of my palm.

I smiled bitterly, "I'm afraid that if I let go of him, that my chances of being with him will forever be lost…"

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**Authors note - its not just bella feeling this way. anyone have any advice for the old lady to give her? **


End file.
